To be different is to be alone.
No truer words are there.
We both know this truth
Through the experience of it.
It doesn’t matter
If what separates us is for good or ill,
Only the difference of it matters.
The similarities pale in comparison.
We don’t need to be told,
But neither can we be protected.
The fact of the difference is
Never easily concealed.
And the concealing of it
Does as much harm,
For it only makes friends false.
It seems expedient perhaps
To obtain the illusion of friendship,
But rely not on their love or care,
For they will betray you
When finally your nature is revealed.
It is your choice then.
Betrayal or solitude.
Some choice.

I never wanted this;
I never asked for this,
But here I am.
I look back and wonder
Where could a choice have been made?
Where did I make the wrong turn?
When was the moment
When I lost what I longed for?
The childhood dreams,
The passion,
The purpose,
My reason for being.
But if truth be known
I don’t remember,
Because I was already lost
Long before the decision came.
I was already falling,
I just hadn’t felt the pain yet
Of hitting the bottom of my abyss,
And it was much longer still
Before the pain was bearable to feel
Through my numb mind
And numb heart.
Too late.
So like a phoenix, a fallen angel,
I rise only to fall again
And again
Until the trying itself becomes unbearable.
My rage sustains me
And kills me all the same from within.
Let go. Let go.
Embrace again your reasons for being;
Embrace again the love that fueled a different kind of passion,
And find a way back home.

I am surrounded by darkness,
But it is illusion.
Removing my sunglasses
Only blinds me with the glare.
Even the street lights are too much.
I put them back on;
They are only to hide me, I know.
To keep others from seeing in,
Seeing the tears that well up
Which I struggle to hold back.
I am cold,
But the coat I pull around my shoulders
Does not keep the chill out,
For it is from within.
I brace myself against it
But it cuts me like ice just the same.
I am alone.
I touch my lips
As if they could somehow manifest my dream,
But they feel coarse,
Like the soul that drives everyone away.
But I stand.
I do not crumble.
I will not allow it to be a weakness,
Instead, It will be a strength.
I can go on.
I can resist the cold.
I can see in the dark.
If need be I will make the entire journey this way.
But do not be afraid.
A companion would be welcome.

Silence the tongue;
Stop the heart,
Through violence if need be.
Not so much truth, please.
Trust is not given so lightly.
Your tongue deceives;
Your heart is not in it.
I give and you waver.
Stop this now.
You cannot give back what is given.
I cannot change you,
So I must learn to give less.
It hurts.
I feel colder
The more I wrap up inside myself,
But not as cold
As when my warmth drains from me
Like blood from a wound,
And is yet foresworn.
You were father and mother to me,
And yet, when most I needed you,
You heaped betrayal upon broken heart.
Perhaps I will never learn.
For how else may my heart be mended
If not through learning to trust,
To give again?

Look inward.
It's a dark path they say,
One that lead to narcissism,
Arrogance and selfishness.
But when one is already all these things,
How else does one escape it
But through cold self-evaluation?
And so I look inside
And try to understand.
The motives of the past are keys to present action.
Thus to change these actions,
How else to proceed but through their source.
Eventually, I myself
Will not be such a mystery,
Then the ability to look outward
Might just be possible.
Seen through eyes that can reflect
Internal understanding on the motives of others.
How else is empathy built?
The danger of looking inward then
Lies not in the looking
But in the lack of reflection,
And in allowing oneself to be lost in one's own desires.
They control you,
And you become their slave.

Friendship once honoured,
Becomes cherished
When it is suddenly no more.
One abruptly finds meaning in it
Never seen before,
As the numbers of them dwindle.
What was once a playmate,
Perhaps a confidant,
Becomes a cold necessity
When it stands between you
And the dark solitude.
So those that remain, you wish to keep
And thus upon them you heap
Your trust and feeling,
And expectation.
You give and give, and lose yourself
For the hope that it might be returned,
That at least they'll have reason to stay.
It is only loyalty you give
And loyalty you desire.
But few can pay you back
With the same coin you've purchased
Their friendship with;
And when finally this must become painfully clear,
The only result is betrayal.
It matters not, your intentions or theirs;
It is the only possible result
For disappointment.
And as much as you've given,
You'll want back in retribution for your pain.
Be it in blood,
For tears alone
Cannot sate your anguish.
But take care whose hide
The lash of your anger strikes,
For all too often
It will be your own blood that runs.

The voices in my head
Speak of questions, of doubt.
They speak of mistakes,
And, perhaps with time,
The seeds of wisdom.
But the voice beside me
Want to hear none of these things,
And seeks to drown them
In a different kind of platitude.
It speaks of the 'real' world.
It speaks of feeling and praise...
And blame.
But the voice blames me for nothing,
Rather it blames all who stand opposed to my will.
Forever uncritical of me,
Without moral judgment.
The voice is a comfort.
It claims to ask nothing of me in return,
And yet the less it asks
The more I give to it
Until I find my throat parched and grasping
For each morsel of self-worth it feeds me.
How did I come to be here?
How do I escape?
Do I even want to?
But my own wisdom fails me,
And the hole I have dug in my soul
Seems bottomless each time
I speak of duty and principle.
But today duty leads to confusion
And only you calm the chaos with an answer.
Be it right or wrong, I know not,
But no one else is speaking,
And my own voice has long since
Become a quiet whisper
In the black hole I call my soul.

I waited a long time for this,
An eternity it seemed.
Even a Jedi must weep
At the sacrifices I've made.
The dreams I've watched die.
Still, I cling tenaciously to this one.
I have the skill;
I always have,
But I wait impatiently for some acknowledgement,
For a moment to relax my vigilance,
A moment to enjoy rather than strive.
I face you now
In this moment of decision.
My hopes are high.
I've done everything you've asked of me,
And more.
But instead of a small moment of thanks
To honour my achievement,
I face the unforgiving "no"
You present me instead.
Now I am lost where before I was certain.
Why? What does this mean?
What possible reason could there be?
But if it is some personal flaw,
You will not tell me which.
Even so, how indeed does this affect
My ability to do what I must?
What I have been called to do?
And how do I hide from you
My shock and incredulity?
There is nothing to do but walk away,
Drowning in my confusion
Until someone can please force order
Onto the chaos in my soul.
For who am I
If not this?

Death and life.
Worse, this was a place
Halfway between the two.
The memory is more than vivid,
It's physical.
It's not a memory at all,
But a flashback.
Flash back to the black glass sand
Under my skin and now in it,
Thanks to the flames that consumed
What was left of my body.
And you watched,
Screaming at me your expectations.
You did this to me!
I love you once, a father,
But there are no tears left to weep,
Only the hatred that gives me
A reason to keep going.
Another me watches and weeps the tears I cannot.
The pain we share--
One is physical,
And one concealed to the world inside my head,
And we are both alone with our rage,
Rage to drown the pain
That can come back in certain moments,
Like when I look at a star
And recall my lost dream.
I cling to my hatred though,
Because I am too afraid to die,
Not realizing,
I've already died inside.

I must find a way again,
A way to get up,
To stand...
Alone.
I don't know if I can do this,
Not another time,
Not after so many times
Of falling and failing.
Somehow I've managed to get up,
To limp along and continue.
I've watched others get up,
To stand again tall and proudly,
Reclaim their stride,
But always I see
They lean on others beside them,
Using not just their own will
But the strength of those beside them.
And I lean on...
No one.
But still I try to stand,
To stand alone if I must,
But I fear the blows
That inevitably rain down on me.
The harder I try to get up,
The weaker I feel--not stronger--
And that much less able to rise again
Once felled.
And so I fear to stand.
Hurts all the more falling does,
But stand I must.
Climb to my feet and remain thus.
I have no choice but to fight for it,
To risk the pain and fate
Of falling again,
For fallen I cannot endure.
Giving up is not in my nature,
But without the strength
To rise and keep to my feet alone,
Falling will one day kill me.

You conceal your face.
You know your shame.
But you do not look at it.
Your fear binds your heart
And robs your mind of reason.
Your duty paid a high price,
But no more than the price
You paid with your body,
The price you paid with your gifts.
Only blood could see
The truth behind the mask,
The life lost long ago.
Death itself can release you
To find again the path to destiny.

I bleed blood and dreams,
I walk alone.
My heart weeps.
I am unable to hide my sorrow.
It's a weakness.
I cover it with your anger,
Anger which mirrors my own.
It's not just weakness I hide
But fear and failure.
I wanted so much
And achieved so little.
Each of us goes on as we must
But each day is full of doubting
And the pain of memory,
Of mistakes we don't wish to face.
Only by staring, by embracing them
Will the pain we carry
Ever let us go?

Your face is full of fate;
Your life gives death desire.
My eyes are haunted by the vision.
I suffer your sweet smile,
But my thoughts throb in shadow.
I am raw and broken watching.
I have given in to this same darkness,
Whispering words of question.
I cry over your conflict,
But I am used to this torment;
It lingers through my laughing.
Beneath the bitter angel waking,
A demon swims in honeyed truth.
See, pretend, lie to the world!
You cannot hide from me.

My thoughts dwell here.
My mind cannot seem to leave this place.
I drown in the reminders
Of tragedy shared.
The helpless feeling of wanting to change it,
And being powerless to do so.
And so I remain willingly in the despair,
Sharing the sense of deep pain,
As if somehow my empathy alone
Can stop it.
And nothing changes.
It's too late to stop it.
And what of myself?
The roots of this empathy?
If he is lost,
What then am I?
I hurt for him as I once did for myself.
It was years ago...
Where do I go from here?
How can I take my meagre fortune
And find again
The dreams we both lost?
Getting up again
Hurts just as much as falling down.
More.
But I will linger a while longer
To burn into my soul his lessons
Along with my own.
Somehow, I will make it matter for something.
I don't believe in destiny
But I once had one of my own.
I am not the Chosen One.
My destiny I will choose myself.

I found a new mirror for my soul.
Like you, not an entirely pleasant reflection,
But also like you, inspiring me to change.
My mother's had fits over this one--
It's just a character, she keeps saying--
But she's missing the point,
Because like anything else
The character is more real than some people;
It's much harder even,
To get inside their heads.
But I watch this life, this story,
Play out on the screen...
It's like watching an imperfect echo of my life.
The conflict, the pain,
All in metaphor,
But nonetheless poignant;
Nonetheless reminding me of truths
I'd chosen to forget.
Like you, there is nothing I can do
But rage inside for a time,
I can't help him,
But through these new eyes
I can look back at myself
And try to help me,
But without the futile hope
That I may likewise inspire change.
But I'm trying again, for myself,
Because being Darth Vader isn't any fun,
And it's a lonely hell, too.

Time passes.
Some things change--
Some things do not.
The deep well that contains my feelings for you,
This well remains deep
And filled with love for you.
What else there is about it...
I cannot say.
It is there, though,
Of that much, you can be certain.
To fill this well
Would require all the earth the world possess.
It cannot be done.
Only some violent act of anger can do that.
I long to drink from these waters,
To filled again as once they filled me...
But I cannot.
I must not.
Like fire they are,
Fire that burns me through.
And too thirsty I am to drink
Only until I'm sated.
Rather, I would drink you dry again,
And until my lips and tongue were no more.
Capped the well must remain.
For now.
I go instead in search of food,
Food for my soul.
I've had too little of it
For the span of time it takes to redeem Darth Vader,
But when my hunger is satisfied
And I can drink from your well
But to drink
And not to mask my deeper hunger,
Then perhaps it will be safe to uncap the well
And simply enjoy its depths,
Instead of becoming lost in them.

This post is not a poem, but a summary of tags in this journal. I'll add it to memories, and try to keep it updated.

alliteration - alliteration is used regularly in the poem (may not be entirely consistent, but frequently)
academics - references to school and related topics, particular schools, homework, etc.
alcohol - references to alcohol in general, or may be specific types of alcohol such as wine
ambition - any reference to ambition or use of the word
anakin - references to Anakin Skywalker, Darth Vader or the Analogy between me and Anakin
analysis - references to analysis of myself or a situation
anger - references to anger or angry
anon lover - poems about love or sex, but not referring to a specific person, the idea of love or sex with someone
apathy - apathy, indifference, lack of feeling
astronomy - may be a reference to astronomy as a field, or any astronomical object, such as stars, planets, galaxies, etc., or occasionally theories of physics, typically with cosmological implications
awaken - references to waking up, or getting up after sleep
backwards - references to going back or going backwards
baseball - baseball references in general, or poems about teams, like the Cleveland Indians, etc.
battle - references to battles, wars or fighting
beauty - references to beauty; this may be my beauty, the beauty of another person, or of nature
betrayal - references to being betrayed or a sense of betrayal
birth - references to birth or being born or reborn
bitter - references to bitterness, being bitter, or bittersweet
blades - references to swords, or possibly knives
blood - references to blood or bleeding
body - references to the body, skin or flesh
books/read - references to books or reading
breast - references to breasts or possibly chests
broken - references to breaking, or things which are broken
cats - either about cats, or that uses a word referring to cats, such as 'kitten'
change - references to things that are changing or that need to change
cheeks - references to cheeks (not butt cheeks)
chaos - references to chaos or disorder
childhood - references to my personal past, prior to, say, 17
choice - references to choices or choosing
circle - references to circles or spirals, or going around
cleveland - any references to Cleveland, or Lake Erie
cloak - references to cloaks or cloaking something, may be real or metaphorical
clouds - references to clouds as part of the weather or as a metaphor for obstruction; also references to fog or mist
cold - these may be references to cold itself, or its by-products such as winter, ice, etc.
colours - references to any colour, may be the theme of the poem or the use of a colour to convey meaning
commissioned - a poem whose topic and theme were suggested by someone else who offered me money to write it; it's a bit out of character for me, and that's why
conflicted - does not refer to conflict in the sense of physical battle, but conflicting emotions
confusion - confusion may be emotional or intellectual, but usually will reference to the use of the word or a related word, 'confusion' or 'confused' or the like
consequences - references to consequences, or results of an action or choice
courage - references to courage or being courageous, or being brave or bravery
control - references to control of those around me or just myself and my emotions
curses - references to cursing, swearing or specific curse words
damage - references to damage, doing damage, or being damaged or harmed
daniel - poems that either are about Daniel, or that may address him as 'you' even if he's not the actual topic
danger - references to danger or the dangerous
darkness - any reference to dark, darkness, black, blackness, etc.
dawn - references to the dawn or dawning
days - references to days, or days of the week
death - references to death, dying, killing, or uses of similar words
decay - references to decay or rot
demon - any references to actual or metaphorical demons, uses of the word, but not ghosts or haunting
denial - references to denial or denying
depression - about depression or frequently the product of depression or despair
descriptive/visual - these tend to tell a story through setting a visual image, or telling a story by describing the situation; the scene may evoke emotions, but frequently they are not referenced directly
distance - references to distance to separation
doll - references to the word doll
down - references to going down or going downwards, or downward motions
dreams - references to dreams or dreaming, these may be daydreams or actual dreams
drowning - references to drowning
ears/listen - references to ears, hearing or listening
echo - references to echoes or echoing, or repeating
emotions - references to emotions and feelings, particularly if there are many of them, or they are non-specific feelings; specific feelings such as 'fear' or 'love' have their own tags
end - references to the end, finals, conclusions, etc.
eulogies - many of these are about dead cats, although they may also be about dead people
events - these poems refer to specific events in my life, they may not be major events, but describe things I did or said in actuality, usually writing while I was doing the thing described or shortly thereafter
evil - references to the word 'evil', possibly the devil or Satan
expectations - references to expectations of others, or things which are expected
eyes/see - references to the eyes or to seeing or vision, also blinding
faces - references to faces
failure - references to failure, or mistakes; they may or may not be specific; also may be a sense of failure
fall - references to the act of falling, not the season
family - any references to family members, parents, brother, etc., or my non-existent children
fate - references to fate, destiny or doom
favourites - these are some of my personal favourites
fear - references to fear or being afraid
fire/burn - references to fire, burning or heat; not merely warmth
flowers - references to flowers or usually specific flowers, or parts of flowers
foolish - references to being foolish, foolhardy, or fools, possibily also stupidity
footsteps - references to footsteps
forget - references to forgetting
fragile - references to fragility or frailty
freak - any reference to feeling like a freak or being deviant
free - references to being free, escaping, or freedom
friends - references to friends, specific friends, or friendship in general
futility - references to futility or things which are futile
future - references to the future which may be near, or distant future
games - references to games, playing or specific games like chess; may include references to strategy
gender identity - masculine vs. feminine conflicts inside myself; imposition of gender stereotypes, etc.
geography - references to either political or physical geography, such as names of places like Rome or landscape features like ravines
glass - references to glass or things made of glass, or glass-like things like crystal
god - these may be references to god (not just interjections like 'oh my god'), or they may be references to religion or lack of it in general
goodbye - references to goodbyes, or farewells, or parting
gone - references to things which have gone or left, or leaving
greek - these contain actual Greek words
hair - references to hair
hands/touch - references to hands or the sense of touch
haunt - referencs to haunting or ghosts
hate - references to hating or loathing
heal - references to getting better/well, healing, requests or offers for it, emotional or physical
heart - references to the heart
heaven/hell - references to heaven, hell, or any other afterlife
help me - references to needing saved or rescued, or references to the word 'help'
hiding - these usually refer to the use of the word 'hide' or related words, and are typically a response to fear, but may be a response to other emotions as well
history/myth - references to historical or mythological characters, events or times
home - references to home, or houses, or anyplace one can live like apartments, etc.
hope - references to hoping or having hope
hunger/thirst - references to hunger, or thirst; may including quenching the thirst or likewise
hunt - references to hunters, hunting or prey
hypatia - references to the historical Hypatia, or references to the daughter I'd like to name Hypatia
iconoclastic - rejecting the status quo, particularly of society
ignorance - references to ignornace, ignorant people, or not knowing something
illness - references to sickness, symptoms, or specific conditions I have; not injuries
illusion - references to appearances or illusions
imagine - references to imagining
indiana - references to Indiana/Indiana University or poems written in Indiana; possibly linguistics
insanity - references to 'madness', or 'crazy' or the like
intelligence - poems either about or referring to my high intelligence
ironic - these poems may describe irony or themselves be ironic
janus - references to gates, doors or windows; for the curious, Janus was the Roman god of gates and doorways, he was the two-faced god, the god of coming and going (and January is named after him)
joy - references to joy or enjoying
jewels - references to jewels or specific gemstones such as diamond, etc.
key - references to keys or locks, locking or unlocking
kiss - references to any kiss, but usually many refer to a specific kiss
laugh - references to laughing or laughter
letters - references to letters (not letters of the alphabet), and possibly emails
lies - references to lies or deception
light - references to light, lamps, candles or beacons
lightning - references to lightning or thunder
literature - references to literary characters or authors
loneliness - references to being alone, or feelings of loneliness
lost - references to being physically lost, or losing oneself
love - these may be references to either emotional or physical love; it may be erotic or Platonic love
magic - references to magic or sorcery
magnetic - these are poems I created with my magnetic poetry kits
mask - references to masks
mazes - references to mazes
melissa - these refer to Melissa, or address her as 'you' in the poem
memory - references to memory or remembering, or reminders
metals - references to metals, such as steel, silver, gold, iron, etc.
mind/soul - references to minds, souls or thinking (not pensively but reasoning)
mirror - references to mirrors or reflections
miss you - references to missing someone
monster - references to monsters or beasts
moon - references to the moon or moonlight
mouth/voice - references to the mouth, lips or the voice
music - references to music, radios, singing or dancing
naked - references to nakedness; these are not often actual nakedness but a sense of exposure
names - references to names, or naming, not individual names
need - references to needs or needing
night - references to the night, or describing the night
nightmares - references to nightmares
noise - references to noise, cacophony, or white noise
nothing - references to nothing, but also no one, nowhere, etc.
numb - references to being numb or unfeeling
numbers - any use of numbers, countable or uncountable, or to mathematics
pain - references to physical or emotional pain
paint - references to paint or paintings
paranoia - references to paranoia or being paranoid
path - references to path, roads, or walking along said routes
pattern/shape - references to patterns or shapes
pensive - poems usually written when I'm being thoughtful, rather than driven emotionally, tend to be mellow and low-key
pillows - references to pillows
poison - references to poison or being poisoned
politics - references to politics or politicians, by topic or occasionally just the use of the word
price - references to paying, selling, or the price of something, usually metaphorically
prison - any reference to prisons, cages, chains or dungeons
prize - poems entered into poetry contests that won a prize
promises - references to promises or promising
protect - references to protecting, protection or guarding
published - poems which have been published... actually, these are not consistently tagged
questions - references to questions or asking, or poems which have a lot of lines that end with question marks
rain - references to rain or raining
reason - references to logic or reason
regret - references to regrets or regretting
rhyme - I rarely rhyme, but not never
risk - references to risk or taking chances
rose - references to roses or thorns
running - these refer to running away from something, not the sport of running, although occasionally running toward something
rust - references to rust or tarnish
sacrifice - references to sacrificing for another, self-sacrifice, etc.; not sacrifices, as in killing
safety - references to feelings of safety, or security, or physical safety
sagan - references to Carl Sagan
scream - references to screams or screaming
sea - references to the sea, the shore, other bodies of water, water in general, or sea-related items such as anchors
seasons - references to the four seasons or any reference to names of the months
secrets - references to secrets, or things that can't be talking about
seek - references to seeking or searching or looking
sf/f - poems with a science fiction or fantasy topic, such as wizards or were inspired by books in that genre, etc.
shadows - references to shadow or shadows, shadowing or the like
shell - references to shells, or carapaces
shelter - references to shelter
short - these poems are 20 lines or shorter
silence - references to quiet or silence
sleep/bed - references to sleeping or beds
smile - references to smiles or smiling
snow - references to snow or use of the word
sorrow - references to sadness, mourning or sorrow
speaking - references to my speaking, or my inability to speak, or the like; not quotations, but the act itself
stanzas - these poems are writen in stanzas, they may be regular stanzas (consistent within the poem) or they may be irregular
star wars - references either to the movies themselves or to their plots or characters
stars - references to stars
stolen - references to things which have been stolen, stealing, or those who have been robbed
storm - references to storms or use of related words
stranger - references to strangers, or possibly outsiders or foreigners
strength - references to strength, power, or being strong
sun - references to the sun
sunset - references to the sunset or sundown, twilight, etc.
survival - references specifically to surviving or surviving some hardship, not merely living
tattoo -- references to my tattoos
te daela - references to characters from my Children of Daela stories, or poems about said stories
tears - references to tears, weeping or crying
time - references to time or use of the word
tired - references to being tired or exhaustion
tongue - references to tongues
torture - references to torture or torment
towers - references to towers or walls
travel - references to traveling, driving, trips, journeys, usually with specific destinations; or possibly wandering that's been completed
trust - references to trust or trust issues
truth - references to truthfulness or honesty
tv - references to television or things on television
untitled - these poems are untitled
victory - references to victory or winning
virginity - references to virgins, virginity or sexual inexperience; metaphorical (innocence) or more literally (ex. celibacy)
void - references to the void, a vacuum or emptiness
wanderlust - references to wanderlust, or wandering
waste - references to waste or wastelands
weak - references to weakness
weather - references to weather, rain, snow, sleet, lightning, etc.
weight - references to my weight problems, dieting or attempts to get thin, or consequences thereof
whisper - references to whispering or speaking softly
wings - references to birds, wings or flying
wisdom - references to wisdom or use of related words like 'wise'; not knowledge
wounds - references to wounds, wounding, wounded, scars, crutches, wheelchairs or other injuries such as cutting, etc.
write/pen - references to writing or writing instruments like pens or pencils, or possibly paper

There are more forthcoming. When I do add them, I'll note the date of update, but I'll alphabetize the new tags with the others.

EDIT: last update 2005 July 23 -- it may take a couple days to get everything updated, though